How do you feel at the end of the day?
Do you feel disconnected? Drained? Stuck?
Yeah. I’ve been there, too.
Chances are work isn’t filling you up. You’re not invigorated by your commute. Your kids aren’t overwhelming you with gratitude. And your partner isn't lavishing you with the love you need.
What I really want—and maybe what you want, too—is to feel loved, to feel supported, and to feel ALIVE.
And when do I feel that way?
When I am connected with my partner.
There are other ways, too....
But when I am connected with my partner (and when I've slept well), I feel full. I feel capable. I feel like I'm expanding in my skin and might burst into the universe.
I am thriving.
I have heard it many times. I’ve even said it myself.
"THERE’S NO TIME!"
Honestly, when I'm in that place I get this tightness in my solar plexus and my breath is so shallow that only my chest has air. There's this urgency to GO GO GO, but I don't even know where or why.
I’ve also experienced it as “no energy.” I'm exhausted, I'm drained, and I have nothing left to give.
These are valid reasons to not be connecting with your partner.
And they can also be excuses.
They're valid and acceptable excuses for a lot of things: not getting more exercise, not eating better, not getting a better job, and not feeling more satisfaction and passion in your relationship.
So how can you step up and find time to connect with your partner?
Here are four steps, my friend, to doing just that:
STEP 1: WHY
Get clear on why you want to be with your partner. What do you want out of your relationship? Do you want to experience love? Do you want companionship? A life-long partnership? Stability? To thrive?
Knowing the purpose of your relationship is foundational for feeling like the time and energy investment is worth something. Otherwise why not be alone?
STEP 2: CELEBRATE
Maybe you are getting exactly what you want (or close!) in your relationship and aren’t acknowledging it. Start right now by sharing with your partner three things you celebrate about your relationship, and then email them to me.
Make a point to meet your partner with gratitude when you see one another, or make a point to send along a text or email throughout the day honoring your relationship and celebrating what you have.
STEP 3: WORTHINESS
Realize your wants and desires deserve to be met. If you are vulnerable and brave enough to consider what you want and to check in and see if you've already got it in your life, then you are definitely on the road to accepting that you are worthy of receiving your wants and desires. You -can- ask for what you want. You deserve it.
If this is the step where you get stuck and begin to squirm a bit, think about replying to this email so we can have a conversation about what's holding you back from having your needs and desires met within your relationship.
STEP 4: SCHEDULE IT
This isn't sex. You can schedule time to connect with your partner (and maybe -that- will lead to sex), and scheduling time for your relationship will turn into a habit, a very satisfying habit.
Start by considering what the best time is for both of you to connect. Evening? Afternoon? A lunch phone call? In the morning in bed before you get up? Then compromise. If it was easy, you'd have already done it. But it's not easy. It does take thought, consideration, vulnerability, bravery, and action. (Why connecting with your partner is so scary is a conversation for another day, however.)
Prioritize your relationship above getting the dishes done, before starting another load of laundry, above sending out another email, or before watching your favorite show. Then find a place and space where you can hear one another and really connect.
Be curious, be gentle, be compassionate, and above all, be loving as you find time with your partner and as you journey through your relationship together.
So much love,
P.S. Most of us are going through struggles in our relationships and wondering why it feels so hard. You are not alone. People rarely talk about relationships with any depth. So please send this to someone you think could use some support and guidance around relationships.