You probably didn't see it.
A freaked out part of me hopes you didn't see it.
'Cause I woke up no fewer than three times during the middle of the night in a panic over what we'd shared.
Last night Shaun (my spouse) and I hopped onto Facebook live to reveal one of the most influential resources that has impacted the sexual connection in our relationship:
Layla Martin's Epic Lovers course.
We took a six-week online course in sex and intimacy.
And we got SCHOOLED.
No one tells you how to expand your sexual skills, how to deepen intimacy with your partner.
You're supposed to just know.
(Nobody told me I had to learn how to breastfeed or teach my baby how to latch on correctly. Nobody told us we'd have to sleep train our kids either.)
We're told either you have it, or you don't. And if you did have it, well, it's gone now.
That's just how it goes.
We learned it doesn't have to be that way.
We've experienced a fitness revolution, a health revolution, and an external sexual revolution in the last 50 years. (Check out one of my previous blog posts about why fast food sex is making you sick and tired.)
Is it so hard to consider how relevant a inner sexy revolution might be?
It wasn't a hard sell for me, but finding the tools, resources, and support for cultivating sexual pleasure were a lot trickier than admitting I wanted more and better.
Luckily the world is changing, and I'm here to share a few steps Shaun and I have picked up even as we still learn and stumble and practice ourselves:
STEP 1: EVALUATE
Take a moment to get real.
How happy are you in your relationship right now? How far down the list is your relationship? Is it past walking the dog?
Acknowledge any disappointment or shame that comes up. It's real. Feel it.
And then ask yourself, "How committed do I want to be to my relationship?" If your partner and you share common goals and interests, if you have or have had sexual chemistry, and if you make an effort to find resolution when you disagree, chances are deepening your sexual connection is just a few tools and a little bit of practice away.
STEP 2: BRAVERY
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Thomas Jefferson who said, "If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done." It's time to flex your bravery muscle, take a few deep breaths, and jump into....
STEP 3: VULNERABILITY
Vulnerability is attractive to people. It's courage and bravery in action. It's daring to do something others wouldn't dream of. And it's incredibly sexy.
Annnnnnnd it's super scary.
To be honest, Shaun and I informally started a Vulnerability Club a few years ago when we were making massive changes in our relationship and found the momentum and effects were magnetizing people to us. We were flippant and sarcastic and told them to be vulnerable and brave and to join our club.
A few did.
So share something scary or intense with your partner. Start with something like, "It scares me to share this with you, and I want to say...." And be curious about what happens next. As you open up, your partner might open up, too.
STEP 4: SKILLS
Whoa, momma. Learning new skills can have a profound effect on your relationship. And I'm not just talking about new positions either. Using breath, focus, movement, sound, intention, energy can take your sex lives from meh to awwwwww, yeah.
STEP 5: COMMUNICATION
This is where's it's really at. You've decided you want a lil' more in your relationship. You've gotten brave and vulnerable, you're flexing some skills, and now it's time to check in with your partner.
Do you like this kind of touch?
How's the speed? Would you like something slower or faster?
How's the pressure? Would you like a lighter touch or a deeper pressure?
You don't need me to tell you how important communication is. But sometimes having a script to guide you, some basic structure, is so helpful in making vulnerable changes.
If these five steps sound a little too easy or just a bit too conceptual, I'll agree with you.
Ya got me!
And that's exactly why Shaun and I put our money where our mouth was, we committed to our relationship, and we went for it with six weeks of deepening our sexual connection.
And we're doing it again in a few weeks.
This will be our third round of Epic Lovers (you only pay once for the course and get the content and support for LIFE, or at least the next 10 years).
So if you decide to join the course, let us know. You can join the Vulnerability Club. :)
I wish all the sexiness and desire and pleasure and connection for you,