So, what happens when your partner is invited to a bachelor or bachelorette party?
Do you two have a conversation?
Do you fight?
In my experience, many misunderstandings and triggers can come up, especially if couples don't talk about their intentions, boundaries, and trust.
It also helps to address your fears and to talk about your desires.
In this week's Epic Lover's Podcast, Shaun and I explore handling bachelor parties inside long term relationships along with the elements of communication and trust that are involved.
We discuss the dynamics of relationships at any given moment, cultural forays into non-monogamy, and the complexities of communication with your partner. Hear me ask, “Why would you need to have boundaries with strippers?” while Shaun talks about creating bumper stickers that say, “It’s not cheating if it’s condoned.”
Because it's hard to talk about bachelor and bachelorette parties without talking about cheating.
So how can you have a conscious conversation about one of you attending a bachelor or bachelorette party?
I say try my 20 Minutes to Intimacy and Connection exercise, and see what happens. Here's three steps to getting you started:
STEP 1: PLAN
First ask your partner if s/he's open to doing a communication exercise with you. You could say something like:
I've come across someone who helps couples experience more intimacy and better sex in their relationships, and she has this guided audio practice she says helps couples feel connected. All we have to do is carve out 20 minutes after putting the kids to sleep or before going to bed to do it. Will you try it with me?
If you get a yes (email me with what to do with a maybe), move on to the next step.
STEP 2: PREPARE
Ensure you have privacy and safety away from distractions and interruptions. Turn your cellphones to Do Not Disturb, turn off the TV, and ensure your children are out of ear range and are comfortable, so you can speak freely.
Before you hit play, keep a few things in mind:
When you are speaking to your partner:
- Be honest. Don’t think about what you want to say. Just say it. Let your response come out without censoring yourself.
- Keep talking the whole time. You don’t need to pause.
When you are listening to your partner:
- Remember this is a time to hold space for your partner. As much as possible, don’t take what your partner says personally.
- If your partner pauses, say to him or her, “Thank you,” and ask the question again.
- Stick with the wording of each question. These questions are designed for the greatest amount of intimacy and connection between you two.
- If your partner says something that upsets you or brings up a strong reaction, do your best to not respond and to keep listening. Breathe. If you can’t let it go, then afterward you can bring it up while making sure to take responsibility for your feelings. Share how you feel and why, and take care not to blame your partner. Let him or her feel that sharing with you is safe without the threat of being attacked or blamed for it later.
STEP 2: SETUP
Sit with your partner, and face one another. Your knees can be touching or you can have a few inches between you. Choose who will go first.
STEP 3: PUSH PLAY
Push play on the guided audio. I will take you through a process where you'll be given an opportunity to ask your partner questions and listen to his/her responses. You'll also be given an opportunity to speak and express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions while safely being held by your partner.
This practice builds intimacy and connection by providing a safe container for you and your partner to be brave and vulnerable, especially around sensitive conversations like bachelor and bachelorette parties.
It starts with holding space for one another without judgement, without reaction, and without needing to fix anything. This allows each of you to express yourself fully and completely.
Every time Shaun and I do this exercise, I feel connected, I feel in-tune, I feel in touch...I feel in love!
Try it for yourself, and let me know what you experience.
My hope is you'll experience an epic connection and be on your way to experiencing epic sex and co-creating an epic life!
All my love,
P.S. If you have ever wondered what's missing from couple's counseling—why it doesn't work, why it seems boring as hell—download my quick guide for illumination.