Last week I was sitting in a session with my psychologist when he said,
"You should commit suicide if you don't feel worthy."
My jaw didn't drop open (uh, I was too busy being polite), but the shock did hit me so that I blinked several times wondering if those words had actually come out of his mouth.
A few hours later I terminated my professional relationship with him,
(I am adamant that if you're working with someone's mental, emotional, and/or physical health in any professional capacity, you really shouldn't -introduce- suicide into a conversation.)
and he responded with an email stating,
"What I was ineptly attempting to communicate was just that going along with feeling so unworthy of deserving to be cared for was a form of giving up—and the most extreme form of that would be not wanting to be alive."
For a few days I was still lost around what he was trying to say.
To be honest, I didn't trust him anymore, and I didn't really want to understand.
Reflecting on this episode of the Epic Couples Podcast, however, I can begin to unfold what I think he was getting at:
Sacrificing yourself for someone else...
Martyring yourself to prove your worthiness...
Working yourself to deep exhaustion...
have become status symbols and culturally-accepted ways of earning self-worth, and they're slowly (or not so slowly) dissolving your vibrancy and liveliness.
I want to shake you (so I can shake myself, too) and tell you,
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.”
You are already worthy.
YOU ARE WORTHY BY NATURE OF YOUR VERY EXISTENCE.
What really brings worthiness into perspective for me is considering a garden as a microcosm of life.
If you are an entire ocean, a garden can be existence.
Follow me on this.
Flowers aren't worthy or unworthy. They just are. They grow and wither. They open and close with water and sun (or their absence). They are irregular shapes and colors and have petals that are imperfect. They are beauty and life and perfection and imperfection.
AND SO ARE YOU.
SO AM I.
In this episode of the podcast, Shaun and I share our experiences around being drained and depleted after a family trip that left no room for our relationship.
I can't tell you why Shaun and I didn't take more time for ourselves or one another.
The first story I hear in my head is that sacrificing for our children's enjoyment is a worthy cause.
Looking back at the state of my bodymind and Shaun's and the effects on our relationship and how those ripple effects show up with our children -now- I hope I'm ready to learn a lesson:
Drained Partners, Non-Existent Relationship.
We explore how to save energy and how to generate energy at the end of the day for your relationship when you’ve given everything to work and kids.
You can hear Shaun say, “You take for granted that your partner is always going to be there.”
I ponder something I've been considered before when I say, “What would it look like to save enough energy at the end of the day for your relationship?”
Through our conversation I invite you not only to reflect on barriers to presence with your partner, but also issues of
- w o r t h i n e s s -
that come up and inspire you to deplete your resources in service of others.
I invite you to explore the ways in which you can make space for yourself, prioritize your relationship, and practice love of your partner.
Because, baby, you're worth it.
Seriously, all L'Oreal advertising aside.
You are a beautiful fucking flower or tree or plant or blade of grass.
You deserve sun and light and air and deep, rich soil.
All of it.
Sending you the love I have,